Mysexlifeonline Presents:  Sex Advice

Advising you on all your sex and sexuality questions...

Featured Reader's Question 1:  My boyfreind and i have been having sex off and on again for about three weeks. its frustrating to me because after an hour of going at it i go super dry. it bothers me cause we are still super horny and he tells me stories of his ex who kept him going for 5 hours. i certainly would keep going that long if i didn't keep drying out. and i'm only 18, is this normal? i wondered if there was like something i could eat more of or if it was a problem with dehydration. or if artificial lubrication is my only alternative?  i feel bad that i cant keep going long enough to make my boyfreind cum. and its obvious what he thinks of it. haha. what can i do?

Dear Ginger- My wife and I have an honest 8 yr. relationship.  Lately, a mutual friend explored being with a prostitute for sex and my wife became interested in parts of it.  My wife is an active volunteer in the community, and is very giving of her energy.  Recently, she brought up the idea of her becoming a prostitute.  Initially the idea was raised as a question of whether she could realize the act of sex as an act of service, and related sex to the potential to heal the pain of another.  She talked about how exciting she would find it to have someone be aroused by her sexually, and that be the heart of the relationship. She spoke of the potential benefits of being pampered as an escort, and the money that could come from it.  Now, I have to admit, before this was brought up I did fantasize about my wife having sex with other people, but was never sure that it would be exciting as a reality. I never want to be restrictive to my wife’s desires in any aspect of her life, but I am a little confused about how to feel about this.    ---Be Careful What you Wish For

Dear Careful,

Sex is a powerful thing.  The most open of us, the most sexually risk-taking, can feel like a knife is being plunged into our gut when our fantasies about our partner being with another become reality.   

That said, I’m not sure that your wife’s interests and yours are the same.  Does your fantasy of your wife having sex with another man involve your presence?  That may or may not work in a sex-for-money situation (though there will surely be clients who would enjoy this as much as you).  Does your wife’s fantasy involve you being there?  Or is it about, as I suspect, the power of being the object of sexual desire - the power of charging admission to her love-box?

If your wife truly was into the healing-sex-for-money game, she could consider a career as a sexual surrogate.  These are people who, usually at the request of a therapist, have sex with those who need to learn healthy sexual expression, are struggling with sexual dysfunction or simply would not have the opportunity for sexual release otherwise.  The advantage for the client is that, since this is usually done in a professional setting, they do have to burden themselves with the stigma of thinking they have visited a prostitute.  I doubt that this is quite what your wife has in mind, though.

My advice for you is to tread carefully.  Explore in detail what your wife's fantasy involves.  Role-play a few times with her, with you posing as a John (customer).  Then, if she is still interested in having sex for money, talk about what implications that will have for your relationship, and bear in mind that if you give the green light the first time, it will be hard to put on the brakes later.  As with all fantasies, be true to yourself and your comfort zone, but be aware that if your partner’s fantasies are outside of that zone, your relationship depends on how important those desires are to her.   ---Ginger

Hello Ginger!  I’m having trouble with my wife’s pleasure points.   Every time I play with her clitoris, she shies away.   She says it tickles too much.  This is really affecting our sex life.  I can get her to the point to where she feels like she has to urinate. I tell her all the time that it’s not that you have to pee; you are ready to ready to have an orgasm.  Any tips?     ---The Tickler

Hello Tickler!  To clarify, feeling like you’re going to have an orgasm is COMPLETELY different than feeling like you’re going to urinate (though Ginger has heard of people thinking they are going to come and farting instead).  It's possible you are actually stimulating your partner’s urethra (where pee comes out), which is a bad idea all around and can be quite uncomfortable.

Sweetheart, Ginger thinks you are suffering from the effects of Over-enthusiastic Manual Stimulation (OMS), a condition in which a woman’s clitoris is being manually stimulated (that means with your hand, friends) to the point that it is uncomfortable, tickles, and, in some cases, is painful.  For you fellas and ladies out there (though I imagine the ladies doin’ it with other ladies already know this), signs that your partner is experiencing OMS include: 1. Shying away from manual stimulation, as in the tickler’s case; 2. Demonstrating a preference for other modes of stimulation, such as oral, or intercourse; 3. Saying, “Honey, you’re touching me too hard!!  

 How to remedy OMS?  Well, this requires some finesse.  You have to communicate, as in all good sex scenarios.  Different women can have completely different levels of sensation in their clitorises.  Ginger has heard stories of women who can’t stand to have theirs touched even lightly, and others who want to be touched so hard that their partners end up with carpal tunnel syndrome.  If your partner is consistently shying away even with a light touch, you may want to avoid manual stimulation altogether.  That's why God invented the tongue, after all!  If oral stimulation is too much (though Ginger has yet to hear of someone too sensitive to have their carpet munched), then you may have to find other ways to get her off, for example, light stimulation with feathers and soft fabrics.  Also, if she is so sensitive to clit play, penetration may be the best option for her, orgasmically speaking.  Again, the key is to ask her, not necessarily in the throes of sex, about her preferences and create an open environment for her to talk about what she needs to get off. 

 P.S.  Never ever say, “My old girlfriend got off when I did that!”  No ones gives a shit about your old girlfriend.

Note to my readers:  Occasionally I get stumped by the gender of someone asking a question when it might affect the advice I give.  In the case of the question below, my editor and I agree it is probably a women.  As always, we welcome angry letters from reader who disagree!   --Ginger

Dear Ginger,

I have a problem with excessive wetness whenever I talk with my female friends, especially when sex is the topic, which it is most of the time, especially at the bar.  I somehow get worked up just discussing topics about our or their sex likes and dislikes.  Do you think it’s because I'm dreaming about being with them?   --- Why So Soggy?

Dear WSS,

As I mentioned above, I wasn’t sure if you were a man wondering about his sexual feelings for his female friends, or a woman wondering if she’s really down with the ladies.  We’re going to proceed with the latter, WSS, since it's usually the ladies who talk about "wetness".

Honey, it’s completely normal to get excited when you talk about sex with your girl friends, boy friends, neighbors, clergy, or anybody else.  Assuming that “excessive wetness” doesn’t mean you are soiling your panties noticeably (noticeable to others, I mean), you are asking whether this means you are attracted to your friends.  Hell, I don’t know.  Are you?  Do you think about them sexually when you’re not with them talking about doin’ the nasty?  The difference is whether its talking about sex that gets you hot, or whether your friends themselves are turning you on.  

 If you think you really like one or more of them that way then proceed with caution.  Given your open sexual banter, you should be able to bring up the topic of girl-to-girl experiences pretty innocuously.  If they seem turned off, back off.  If not, you may have a shot with one or more of them, and Ginger wishes you good luck!        

Dear Ginger,

I've been with my partner for a couple of years, and I would like to know what kind of signs to look for if he's still attracted to me.  I feel that he is not, even through I’m down for just about anything in our sex life. He always looks at porn and jacks off to it.  I could be right in the house, but he’d rather jack off to porn than have sex with me.  So does that sound like he’s attracted?  What can I do to solve my problem?  I want to fulfill him in every way.  Can you help me?    --Down, Dirty and Denied

Dear DDD,

For argument’s sake, and a better column, let’s assume that your partner is still attracted to you.  If your mate still digs you, he needs a damn good reason not to be giving it up to you on a semi-regular basis.  Let’s explore the possibilities:

• You are not as good, giving, and game (as Dan Savage puts it) as you claim to be.  Have you offered to watch porn, for example, with your guy?  He might get off on it turning into a couple’s activity.  Sometimes when you're together too long, things get boring in the bedroom and you need to add a little spice.  Let's face it- it's not easily to be fully sexually satisfied by only one person forever.  Learn some new tricks, try a threesome... whatever you're comfortable with. 

• There is something going on in his life, or in the relationship, that is affecting his desire for you.  This could be stress, money issues, or anything else that is causing general tension for him.  He may find it easier to zone out and take matters into his own hands than invest the time and energy into taking care of your needs as well.  In that case, you need to approach him with a “What the hell is up with you?” and hope that he gives you an honest answer.

• You are not taking care of yourself.  This is the part every feminist hates to write, but seriously, if your fella doesn’t like what he sees, Heather Hooters or Peter Pecs will continue to win his attention.  Take a good, honest look at yourself.  Has your appearance changed since you met him?  Have you gained weight?  Do you need a new deodorant?  

Other than exploring these options, communication is the key to knowing what's going on in his mind.  Ask him to be honest with you, and be prepared for an unpleasant answer.  If he refuses to give you a good reason for the lack of sex and won’t communicate at all, it could be time for you to move on. 

Dear Ginger,

This is a relationship question and a sex question.  I haven’t been in a relationship in a while, and I’ve just started seeing this guy.  He’s great, and I’m sure we’ll have sex soon.  My question is, when is the right time to talk about sexual histories?  I don’t want to scare this guy off by asking too many questions, but I’m always thinking of my own safety.   ---Full Disclosure

Dear Full,

As a promoter of both sexual health and sexual freedom, this question pulls me in different directions.  In the public health world we learn that, yes, the more partners you have the more likely you are to become infected with an STI (or have an unplanned pregnancy).  At the same time, one unprotected sexual encounter is also enough to give you one of the aforementioned gifts that keeps on giving. 

So where does that leave you, Full?  Well for us, open communication is the key to healthy relationships and healthy genitals.  I don’t think it is necessary to fret about numbers.  If both partners really want to know the dirty details about each other’s pasts, God bless them.  For me, though, it is perfectly fine to keep those little secrets, well, secret.  That doesn’t mean, however, that if you know you have herpes or HIV that ethically you can keep it to yourself.  If you know you have a disease you could transmit to your partner, the sooner you disclose the better for trust in the relationship.

Simply raising the subject generally with your partner early in the relationship and carefully observing his response can tell you a lot.  One approach is to ask about past relationships.  If the guy has had a lot of long-term relationships versus only having “dated around” for the past, say, ten years, he may have had fewer partners (or not - these aren’t foolproof techniques).  Remember that whatever he did in the past wont tell you whether you can trust him now to not fool around in the future.  This is how lots of us get into trouble!  Check out our safer sex page for tips on reducing disease transmission, and if you’re gonna go the condomless route- you best not do so blindly.

If you (like most people) aren’t comfortable asking straight out, “So, do you have any diseases I should know about?”, you can try to bring it up more subtly.  Tell him you read an article about the rise of HIV infection in the U.S. or that you know someone recently diagnosed with herpes.  His reaction can tell you a lot about how he thinks about his sexual health and yours.  You could also talk about condoms and see if he speaks about preferring not to use ‘em.    

Talking about sexual history isn’t as important as finding out about their current sexual health.  Aside from not having sex at all (not a path we encourage here), the only way to assuage your fears entirely may be to ask your guy to go with you to get an STI screening.  Don’t forget that people can have a STI without having any symptoms- so an assumption of being disease-free might not be correct. 

Getting to know each other should be fun, so don’t get too bogged down with your worries.  Get yourself checked out and have safe fun!     

Dear Ginger,

It’s cool you gave girls masturbation safety tips in your last column, but what about us boys?  I’m always trying new ways to get myself off.  Is there anything I should avoid for safety’s sake?     --- Perpetually Erect  

Dear PE,

By nature I am much more familiar with the ins and outs (so to speak) of masturbation for women, but as a wannabe sexpert I will give this a shot.  Of course I got some delightful hints from the creator of this site, a man who knows WAY too much about masturbating.  So here they are, boys - your tips for safely slapping the salami.

First, just like the girls, you want to think about hygiene and cleanliness.  Wash your hands, guys!  You don’t want that chili pepper you were cutting for your guacamole to come back to haunt you in a moment of self-pleasure (at least I don’t think you do).  You also want to be careful about bacteria or dirt from your hands entering your urethra (the tip of your penis).

Next, keep it moist and invest in a nice lubricant like Wet, Eros or JO.  I’ve heard stories of hand lotion, shampoo, even condiments (thanks to Dan Savage for running that letter!) being used for jacking off.  When you're thinking up that nice jerk off fantasy, or pulling out your favorite porn, remember to put on some slippery stuff too before you rub yourself raw.  Your penis and your partner(s) will thank you in the end. 

Now, I wish I didn’t have to include this part, but I’ve heard too many anecdotes from not-so-smart friends and actual emergency response personnel to leave this out.  Please, do NOT, under ANY circumstance, stick your penis in a hole it could get stuck in (random holes in the wall in the locker room in your gym, etc.).  Save yourself the humiliation and buy yourself a nice male-oriented toy meant for that very purpose.  Or you can always go the Portnoy route and get yourself a prime piece of liver (at least it’s moist). 

Other than that, my friend, just remember to lock your door to avoid unwanted intrusions and to clean up after yourself.  All these safety tips will be for naught if you break your neck slipping on your own spew!                         

More Ginger....

Dear Ginger,

What is the safest way for a girl to masturbate?    --Nervous Nelly 

Dear Nelly,

 As readers of my vibrator review will tell you, masturbation is one of my favorite topics, not to mention pastimes.  Welcome to the nearly limitless world of self love, a sexual activity (or set of activities) that requires no negotiation, no contraception, no worry of STIs, and allows you to be completely selfish.  Here are some basic guidelines to keep things safe and pleasurable:            

1. HYGIENE - Whether you're inserting fingers, vegetables, toys, etc. into your vagina, or simply stimulating your external pleasure points (i.e. your clitoris), everything that comes into contact with you should be CLEAN (ie- your hands) AND STERILE (the smart folks at Good Vibrations have some good sex toy cleaning tips).

2. SIZE - If you enjoy insertion of objects into the vagina, you gotta pay attention to size.  If you are not skilled at the art of fisting or other lovebox stretching activities, start small- it shouldn’t hurt unless you want it to.  Start with a finger or two, and move up from there to a dildo size you like.  On the flip side, if you insert something too small, you run the risk of having difficulty getting it out again.  Although, unlike the anus, the vagina tends to expel things on its own eventually, you really don’t want to have to explain at the emergency room what the head of your Ken doll is doing lost in vaginal space.  Be especially careful inserting things into your anus- look into butt plugs or other things that will be easy to get out. 

 3. DULLNESS - No, masturbation should not be dull, but any objects coming in contact with your vulva, including your fingernails, should be.  Vaginal walls are delicate and can be easily scratched.  Also, the lovely rubbing that often accompanies “jilling off” can cause soreness.  Look into a nice lube for yourself to keep things moist.

 4. PRIVACY - If you have roommates, parents, or anyone else who could unpleasantly interrupt you as you’re jilling off, Nelly, please invest in a good lock for your bedroom and/or bathroom door.  Unfortunately in some cases simply being caught masturbating is enough to put a girl’s safety at risk.

 This should be a good start for you in your pleasure pursuits Nelly!  Find out what works for you and go for it!                          

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