Take a Ride in My Cadillac, Baby!

Ginger Patterson

Ever since the moment I first discovered the thrill of an orgasm, somewhere around age 14, I have known that there will be special private moments I share only with my masturbatory implement of choice.  I cling to the idea that most women feel this way, despite the still commonly held beliefs that women do not masturbate, have as strong a sex drive, or even enjoy sex, as much as men. Indeed, from my own experiences and those of the handful of friends willing to share these delicate truths with me, I have evidence that women can be just as creative in finding the right tool.  The stories I have compiled reveal that we as women are intimately acquainted with the downward rush of water from a bathtub tap, the upward thrust of water from a bidet, cucumbers, various “massagers” belonging to unsuspecting older relatives, our own hands, of course, and even electric toothbrushes.  Eat your heart out, Portnoy. 

As for me, I have owned several vibrators.  My very first was shipped clandestinely from my college boyfriend and delivered by his own mother, unbeknownst to her, while I was studying abroad (thankfully this was before every package in one’s luggage was likely to be opened).  It was a small purple phallus (certainly smaller than my boyfriend was) powered by two double A’s.  Later, I suppose when he had gotten over his fear of giving me something more powerful than he was, he bought me a large, rechargeable cordless back massager, which remained my most faithful companion long after that relationship ended.  Finally, for a couple of years I have had a little fellow known as the Pocket Rocket, a one battery dealie that is powerful for its size, yet obviously limited. 

My favorite woman-friendly sex toy catalog clearly has me and the women like me in mind when it touts its most expensive masturbatory aid, the Hitachi Magic Wand, as the “Cadillac of Vibrators.”  Even for a hefty $52, what self-love enthusiast can’t convince herself that she deserves the very best?  I certainly found myself justifying it.  After all, I thought, I could easily blow that on clothes for a first date in order to secure a few months of great sex.  This vibrator could give me the same pleasure, and probably more, for years, without ever going out of style.

The Magic Wand has a long handle and something that looks like a white tennis ball stuck on the end of it.  With a sturdy utilitarian construction, it is surprisingly simple, reminding me of the most expensive blenders which, instead of 10 levels varying from “whip” to “liquefy,” have only an on and off switch.  In the same kind of elegance, the Wand has one simple switch with two speeds, one that is a gentle massage and one that I have nicknamed “Mexico City 1984".  Any woman not fond of intense vibration may find even the lower speed too intense, and even vibrator queens may shy away from the high speed.  In power alone, this baby lives up to its nickname.

The big disadvantage of the Magic Wand is that it is noisy, a major drawback for anyone with a roommate, and perhaps a distraction for use with a partner.  The Magic Wand is also not meant for penetration (though I imagine it is possible for the fisting-adept).  However, a variety of attachments for that purpose (as well as attachments for use by men) are available through the same catalogs and online stores where the HMW is sold.

So how does the “Cadillac” stand up to other vibrators I have known and loved?  It is definitely the leader of the pack.  When compared to other items on which I have blown $50 - concert tickets, shoes, drinks - the Magic Wand clearly wins in its potential to please for years to come.  Though most women’s needs can probably be met with something less pricey and less noisy, I recommend taking it for a spin.